As the title said, it’s been rough this week. Just a flurry of stuff that has led me to a morbid frame of mind.
W has dipped a bit in the past 2 weeks again. Apparently his sleep medication hasn’t been working well for him. The newer stuff gives him stomach aches, the older stuff makes him extremely groggy throughout the day. But he’s been taking both to get rest through the night, so the days have been rough. He’s become groggy, forgetful, and just overall out of it. Not good when he’s trying to watch the kids. It’s hard because he had a stretch where he was doing so well, or at least to me it seemed he was. But he’s been shutting himself into the house more, it seems, and beginning to watch old westerns on Netflix, some which, to me, seemed pretty dark.
W has been seeing a counselor whom he seems to like and connect with. She is pricey, but he comes home with new energy to try things, at least for a bit. He will also be seeing a new pdoc on Monday. We both felt the old one was not very receptive, as well as difficult to get a hold of (no matter when W called for issues with his medications, the pdoc could only respond on Thursdays. It was infuriating, really). I’m hoping this new change in direction will get W back to a better place.
I’m frustrated and angry. On a base level, I get angry at W – that he won’t try to exercise or eat right or make changes that can help his healing. That he’s not emotionally available to me. But I know that really only poorly covers the deeper level of frustration and anger I feel, which is feeling as though I have no options and need to leave the kids with him irregardless of how his mental state is. We have a sitter who is only available certain days of the week, and W’s parents have been traveling more as the spring has arrived. When those 2 options are not available, I have no one else to turn to for childcare, and I feel trapped. It is a HORRIBLE feeling, and I drive to work and pray W will be alert enough in case an emergency situation arises. This has been hanging over my head since we moved out of W’s parents house in January.
Last weekend we were out too much, and I didn’t get time to myself. This coming weekend we’ll be going camping with a large group, and I’ve been trying to push W to plan for that despite his groggy state. I received a letter Tuesday that our credit card company has slashed our credit limit in half, essentially leaving us with no credit to fall back on – this due to the ongoing lack of payment on our mortgage on a house that has had no offers on it since August 2012. I found out the paperwork I sent in over 2 months ago to the mortgage company was not the correct paperwork. I’m paying off a large dentist bill. W and I still have no insurance.
All these things finally took their toll, and last night I was up until 2am, first looking at morbid things online, then lying awake in fear that some tragedy would befall me or the kids if I fell asleep. I cried becasue I felt that I couldn’t look to my husband to keep us safe; in his groggy stupor I doubt he could do much of anything. And then of course flashbacks to when he was in a mania and saw me as a threat. I’m becoming preoccupied with thoughts of death and tragedy. Sometimes I hate the internet for what you can see…images I wish I hadn’t looked at that now flash in my mind and haunt me throughout the day. Yet I somehow feel drawn, because it, in a twisted way, keeps my mind off of the very real and present struggles I’m facing and feel as though I have no answers to. I think I rationalize that if I read/observe other people’s tragedy, I will see my own issues in a better perspective, but really I think it’s like a ‘mental cutting’, if that makes sense.
So that’s where I am at today. These thoughts usually start to ebb away within a few days, so I need to try and redirect my thoughts and continue to pray. I am going to try and see if the local college has someone willing to pick up some babysitting during the summer, and give me another option for childcare. I’m trying to find a cheap counselor I can see, if only intermittently, to vent to when things get this bad…I feel as though I’ve put my friends through enough and feel badly about calling them. Those are my 2 plans, so hopefully it will be enough get things going in a better direction. If you are a praying person, prayed for renewed strength for me. Thanks 🙂