WE continue on our steady march towards accepting, and learning, and weathering the set-backs, and just overall life. W has found a new counselor, this one closer to home, and so far she seems like a good fit. There was a spike in W’s irritability a bit last week, and a little more trouble getting to sleep, but overall no major red flags as of right now. I hope the continues thawing of the season will continue to help his mood.
I feel like I am no longer on pins and needles, waiting for another major dip in W. I feel like life is starting to become a bit more predictable. I find myself not worry about the kids as much, and even a slight bit of hope that things may get better overall. I didn’t realize that ever since we moved back, I subconsciously assumed our life as it is right now, with me working full time and W at home, and his overall lack of interest in life, would be life forever. Perhaps that won’t be the case. I doubt we will ever return to the life we had prior to the bipolar diagnosis, but I think that’s a good thing in some ways. Life then was always lived with an undercurrent of worry. Now we have more knowledge of what we’re dealing with.
I also realized that I almost have to make a daily choice of letting go of what we’ve lost over the last 2 years. It takes constant effort to keep myself in the mindset of thankfulness. If I begin to slip, I get depressed pretty quick. I’m not complaining; it’s more of an observation. It’s like walking on a tightrope and making sure not to look down, I guess. This is life, I was not promised an easy one, and God is with me as I continue through it!
Next month I’m planning on visiting my side of the family. W will not be coming, and honestly I will be heading out with some trepidation. There are some people I haven’t seen/spoke to since right before W got sick who will be there for some of my visit, and they have a major deficiency in empathy. They will never understand the bipolar diagnosis. So I need to mentally prepare myself for that. I think when I put it in perspective of all that has gone on, it really isn’t that big of a deal in the scheme of things. I’m actually finding that more and more as we continue to walk through this.