On Internal Conversations

Just needed to come on and think aloud with my fingers a little. W has gone off 2 meds (under the direction of the pdoc), and has dipped quite a bit this week. He needs to cut back, it’s important he does so. So we plod on. I find myself  really struggling this time. I understand- it’s difficult for him. Yes, his battle is dark and one I can never fully grasp. But it brings right back to the forefront the numerous issues I have with this horrid illness. The complete self-absorption, the lethargy, the inability to complete even the most simple tasks, the shuffling, and the grating mix of guilt and anger directed at me. ..not to mention his uncanny ability to hide it from everyone else, and his stubbornness and pride in accepting outside help.

My eyes burn from crying. I need to reign in my thoughts, because everywhere they hop off to brings a fresh wave of sorrow…over me, him, the kids, life…everything.

I don’t want to lose hope, but each time I call from work and his affect is flat, a little piece of hope dies. When I share with him  something I’m struggling with, and he attempts to show interest but can’t quite pull it off, it’s another small crush inside me.  The fact that things have been going well, and the thought that maybe life will actually start getting a little better, are mocked. The anger I try to contain mixed with that guilt-laced voice in my head smoothly chiding me to have more compassion; to think of what he must be struggling with in his ill mind, is ever-present. Then the fear….The fear that begins to peek out from that dark recess of my thoughts that I viciously stuff down as best I can…it wonders fleetingly if W has had violent thoughts lately, either towards himself or me or the kids…the ‘what ifs’…that voice is just…yeah. That’s when I get an icy feeling in my stomach, and I need to do ANYTHING to shove the voice down and away again.

The mental checklist I try to go through daily, wondering what would be the best possible decision I could make concerning the kids and myself and W, and always coming to a dead end with no concrete answers…that is really what has been getting to me lately. I can’t  take care of my children. Not while I spend 9+ hours a day away from home. But if I want to be with my kids as much as I feel I need to, then there will be no income. THAT is the hardest…doing what I know I have to do, yet seeing that the kids are not getting what I think they really need, and not being able to figure out a way to provide it to them.

I’m continually walking that tightrope of compassion and strength and empathy, trying not to fall into the depths of depression, anger and bitterness. Trying VERY hard to think more about the 2 little ones, because right now they are really the only thing keeping me gong. How cliche. Never thought I’d say it. But there you go. And yet they are the source of my greatest stress, becasue of how I fear this will effect them for the rest of their lives. And some days I am so sad to have brought them into this mess. But I’m so very glad they are here.

 

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