I feel like, on this journey, we’ve all had to persevere, and continue to do so, in our own individual challenges, as we continue to adjust to life with bp.
As I’ve begun once again to start reading material on bipolar, I feel like I’m very, very slowly starting to accept it. Emotions cannot rule in this, because when one day brings a victory and a glimpse of ‘normal’, the next day can just as quickly bring a setback. The emotional highs and lows are tiring and I’m working on getting them reigned in. I’ve gone through dips of depression, and very recently, the thoughts of ‘don’t I deserve more in life’? and similar self-pitying thoughts. I don’t feel guilty about having them, because I believe it’s all part of the grieving process. But I did feel a conviction to not wallow in those thoughts, because they will only bring anger and despair, and if I’ve made up my mind to stick this out, those thoughts will not build me or W up in any way.
W has persevered in a different way. He has, inch by very slow inch, crawl from the mental wreckage he’s endured these last number of years. We talk about why, about how life has changed, about where we are at, and how messed up life can be. About how unfair it is that his brain can do such crazy messed up things to him, that his very essence, in times of extreme mania, gets swallowed up. How the body and mind can rebel like this seems unfathomable. But we are thankful to know that we are more than our body and brain, and that God knows our true spirit and soul, beyond illness. For W, sleepiness is still a fight, and a daily struggle. Some adjustments in meds have been made, but when depression rears it’s unwelcome sludgeiness, W cannot seem to fight against it, and sleeps to escape. At times, I envy him.
Although recent improvements in W have lifted my spirits, I still don’t have answers. When setback happen, as they do often, I still struggle with my thoughts. I lament my lack of control in so many areas, especially when it comes to the kids. I’m getting to the point where I need to just do what’s in my power, and let go of the time I cannot be with them. They are safe and protected. That’s most important. I continually adjust my expectation. Will they have parent issues when they get older? Perhaps, but I pray they will grow in it and become stronger for it, and maybe even more compassionate to those who aren’t ‘normal’.
On Sunday our pastor shared a video about a father who showed such devotion and love to his disabled son, it made me cry. That is when I felt a conviction to not continually look at the unfairness of it all, but begin to try and look at all of this differently. It’s definitely a process, but I’m working on it. The video is below, if you’d like to watch and be inspired (or at least have a good cry 😉