I do apologize to any faithful readers for my absence the last 3 weeks! As with any move, it took a lot of time and energy, but I feel as though we are starting to get a little more settled. Tonight is the first night I am able to sit at my computer in a more private setting, which I most certainly need when trying to organize and share my thoughts.
W has predictably experienced both high and low emotions since we’ve arrived at our new temporary home. I think he feels safer here, but there’s also a sense that he didn’t ‘finish’ something, if that makes sense. He expressed a few times that he wished we hadn’t left so quickly, that perhaps there was a purpose to us going through all that we did, and he was waiting for some sort of closure or peace before moving. I’ve talked with him a little about how I felt it was the right decision, and gave quite a few examples. but I think it’s just something he may have to come to terms with himself at some point. There isn’t always a nice tidy end to the chapter, and we may never know why we had to go so far away from everyone we knew in order to get a correct diagnosis, but it’s what we’ve walked through, and we can only move forward.
As we’ve all settled in a bit, I’ve seen small increments of improvement in W. He smiles a little more. Jokes more. He’s begun socializing with old friends again. He seems to be regaining a bit of hope.
However, his energy level is low. He needs constant direction; otherwise he is prone to just sit with eyes closed on a couch and dwell on all the messed up stuff that’s happened. He can get sulky and passive/aggressively argumentative. Unfortunately, this all annoys me greatly sometimes, but I hope I can get back to a better place in myself where I don’t take it personal.
As for the rest of us, we are all dealing with the move in different ways. WJ has been struggling with increased anxiety, but also is making friends and is involved with things going on around him. C rolls with it, but will randomly talk about her old room, our dog, and the like. She’s also been struggling with a stomach virus, poor girl. It’s so hard to see them struggle and not fully understand why we had to pick up and leave to live with G & G, but I hope they come to understand someday it was the best decision to make for all of us.
As for me, I am slowly getting past the whole ‘surreal, oh, we’re just visiting’ mode. It hit me strong last Saturday, as we unpacked my work desk. This is for real. Wow….I will say, though that I am so very grateful to have help. Each night I go to bed, and usually sleep like a log, and even though I’ve been getting 8-9 hours a night, I wake up still feeling tired. I think it’s my body finally catching up on some much needed rest after being on a constant state of alert for the past year. To know that I have 2 other people around who understand what we’ve been through, and who are doing as much as they can to support us, is such a welcome relief, even in the midst of such upheaval. To be back in a town where we’ve already established some friendships, where I know where the library and the food store is, and there are many other familiar things around me, has been healing. I still long for a trip back to my hometown for a little while, but that will come eventually.
I knew moving here would not solve everything, and would not magically cure him. But I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t a small part of me that still hoped to see that happen. I see a long road stretch out ahead of us. I still struggle to ask for practical help, but it’s a lesson that needs to be learned. In a week I will start working full time.I will NOT be able to do it all. I’m not sure how the kids will respond to that, or me, for that matter, but as I said earlier, all we can do is move forward, and I continue to cling to the hope that things WILL get better.