This all feels surreal. I think it actually helped to be swamped with work until this past Thursday, because I had too much occupying my brain. But now, as we pack away our stuff (for the 6th time in 8 years), as I see the empty walls and growing piles of boxes, it is slowly becoming reality.
This move, however, lacks that buildup of excitement and anticipation that normally have accompanied our moves. Usually a move would be a step up; a chance to make immediate improvements in our lives. A bigger place, or our own place, or a better job. Not this time, though. That is to say, there is no immediate tangible benefits. The hope is that this is an investment in W’s health; that this step will finally get him on the path to a good baseline where he is not forever living under a depressive cloud, with the occasional manic episode.
We’ve said a few goodbyes this week. Specifically to a very good counselor, and then a very good pdoc. Will we find ones just as good where we are going? We left both on a high note. The counselor felt W was the happiest he has seen him, and the pdoc also expressed that opinion. The pdoc felt W is heading toward solid emotional ground and that his responses to his emotions were more healthy.
This is all good! And yet….to head into the unknown, not having any idea where we might be in 6 months, is not exactly exciting to me. And to leave this place, this house that was starting to become ours..and to know I will soon no longer be a stay at home mom..all these changes coming aren’t exactly the way I had it all planned out in my mind when we moved down here a little over a year ago.
BUT, when the ‘woe is me’ thoughts start creeping in (and the last 2 days it has with a vengeance), I remind myself that this last year was no cake walk. I need more support. I am not enough to give him the stability he needs to pull out of this. That’s the bottom line. This was the best decision, and I don’t doubt that. And I don’t really understand why we were even led to come here, but I have not lost my faith. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose..” (Rom. 8:28). And I’ve even realized that the good may not even be in this lifetime…we are not owed anything just because we walk where He leads us! But I do know that He is guiding me down the best path for me and my family, so I continue to walk and trust and see where it leads.