It’s one of those days I feel that I’m done. It’s too much. The constant up and down; I think it’s breaking me. It’s just too much. It’s been so intense for a year; but really it’s been going on longer then that.
Today I wondered…have the majority of my personal struggles over the last 5 years been more tied to his bp then I realized? The depression? The weight gain? The increasing difficulty in focusing? I find myself turning more and more to pointless diversions. I’m retreating emotionally. I can’t talk to him when I have an issue, so I just shut down for the day. I become distant and aloof. I try to send him this vibe of ‘leave me alone!‘ without actually saying it. It doesn’t make me feel better, or more peaceful. It tightens me up inside. But I don’t know how else to cope.
Yesterday I snapped at him, and he got angry. I later apologized, and he got shaky, then depressed. Today he slept most of the day, and we barely talked. I was frustrated when I snapped; I didn’t do it in a loving way. But the repercussions of every misstep on my part are so out of proportion to the actual misdeed, and it feels like each one just pushes me further and further into this place of frustrated confusion and hopelessness.
I’m tired of trying to be empathetic sometimes. We have a new book I ordered; another one that’s suppose to help me understand the disorder more. I’m not interested right now. I can sit and read and ‘understand’, but reality is still here. Responsibilities need to be met, and I’m finding I cannot meet them all and have these continually fluctuating expectations of what he can or cannot handle. All my energy seems to go into HIM, with little left for the kids, and crumbs left for me.
I see behavior in my kids I don’t like, then realize it’s only a reflection of what they see. I am seeing myself, and my deteriorating attitude towards W, in them. That really stings. But I’ve tried and prayed to change, and it doesn’t seem to work!!
I am counting down the hours until Tuesday morning, when we see the counselor again. In that environment, I will attempt to broach the subject of a temporary break. So he can go and be with family, while I work out the moving details. I need to figure out if the benefits will outweigh the drawbacks. It may help me focus more and feel less stressed, but how will the kids respond? Not sure. Is the break it will give me be enough to counteract the absence of their father for a few months? I wish I knew. I do know that I need to do or change something, because I can’t continue like this. It takes longer to recover, and my energy is feeling more and more sapped.