Sail Away

This morning I took C to daycare and left W in charge of WJ so I could get some work done. The plan for W to go out has never really materialized to the extent that it would really help me work at home uninterrupted, so this way seems to work better.

I came home to find W pretty out of it. I was gone for about 4.5 hours, and I guess it was too long for him. WJ seemed well enough, but a bit hyper (not too unusual for him). He said they watched a cartoon together that daddy likes, but daddy didn’t laugh while it was on. He said he thinks daddy was sleeping instead of watching it with him 😦

W went to nap about 10 minutes after I came home. We had talked about going to the beach tomorrow, and he had seemed up about it. As he slept, I found some cheap rates at the local hotels near the beach (the beach is a 2 hour drive one way). I also found a schooner trip that we cold all go on for a really reasonable price. W loves sailing, and I thought it might be a nice thing to do to help him perk up a bit. We’ve been on one overnight trip to a KOA cabing about an hour away since we moved here 1.5 years ago, but W was still manic and not doing well at the time.

Anyways, I went in the bedroom about an hour after he went in, and asked him if he had slept. He said no. He said he just lays there and thinks about things. Today he was thinking about how stir-crazy he felt. I said ‘so your laying here thinking about how you want to go out somewhere?” He replies ‘Yeah. Pretty much. I didn’t say it made sense.’ -_-  I then lay out my plan. He seems into it. I go back to my computer to start making arrangements.

BUT (of course there’s a but) he shuffles out a little later. Sits at his computer next to me.

“Have you made the reservations yet?”

“No, why?” I say. I say it flatly. I knew something not good was coming.

“Maybe you shouldn’t.”

“Why not?” I say.

“Well’, he says, ‘I’ve been having weird thoughts…”

Damn.

He goes on to tell me he started, ‘suddenly’, to have thoughts  about not living anymore this morning. That he wishes God would just take him to heaven. I tell him to call the dr, like he’s suppose to, when he has these thoughts. He does. His dr. is away on vacation. A stand-in calls back. Due to the complexity of his meds, they want him to come in tomorrow and speak with the head of the practice. Yay.

So instead of sitting on a sandy beach tomorrow, we will drop the kids off at a friends, and visit the pdoc. Again. And try another med combo. Again. And hope that this one finally gets him out of this depression he’s been sinking into over the last few weeks. Again.

Honestly, the thought of the beach, although in normal circumstances would be a lovely thing, seems right now to be too large a task. I knew it would be up to me to plan it, execute it, and watch the kids the whole time. It would have been probably too exhausting for me. Especially since I’m still backlogged with work. But it would have been nice to go, despite all that. But probably too much. Right?

The bigger issue is, though, why is he not pulling out of this? It’s been over a year. Is this the right environment for him? Would it be better to send him back to his hometown a few months earlier? Would a day program help him more? He can’t do very much by himself. Not that he’s a danger…he just isn’t all there in practical terms. He needs guidance to do projects.

He said he was stressing already about packing, finding a moving van, ect. About the living arrangement. About what he will do once we get to his hometown. He’s being triggered by things we aren’t even dealing with yet. How on earth is he going to keep it together in the next few months?? I really am not sure how to handle this. Perhaps if he wasn’t around here, around the planning and chaos, he would do better? Would he be able to be apart from us, though? It feels like a Catch 22. URG!!! I feel like I’m trying to make these decisions that I’m not qualified to make. 😡 And if I make a wrong one, it could mean he goes back in the hospital. I feel overwhelmed again. I pray for wisdom. Please pray that over me.

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