Starting the Process of Letting Go

It’s been another emotionally charged week. My brain has been tired trying to wrap itself around all the decisions we’re now making, and W’s moods have fluctuated greatly, so there is no constant there right now. I have noticed that he seems to be more ‘up’ in the mornings, then progressively becomes more depressed as the day goes on. He’s been sleeping more, and says it’s hard to motivate himself to do much.  He’s also been more irritable, with little patience for the kids, and yesterday he couldn’t stop complaining about how fast the cars were driving on the road in front of our house. He wanted to call the police about it (they were going no faster then they normally do, really). ON an up-note, we were able to finally get the blood work done today, so hopefully that will give us a little more insight and help as to what direction to take with the meds.

Also today, I took a big life-changing step.  I officially accepted a full time position at the company that I work as an independent contractor for. My boss offered me a decent salary, although there are no benefits attached as of now. But I was happy to find a full time job when the field I’m in is so very competitive, and when there’s really not much out there. To have my boss agree to take me on full time has been a big burden off of me, since now I have secured a job that is within commuting distance to W’s hometown. I’m going to try not to worry about the benefits. My hope is that W will qualify for medicaid, and the kids will qualify for some state plan, and then I would just have to worry about myself.

We have also met with a realtor, and have learned that since we are considered having a health hardship, if we can find a buyer, we should be able to walk away without owing anything. Otherwise we would have been upside down on the mortgage. We go in next week to begin the paperwork to get it on the market. An identical house down the street sold in 4 months, so my hope is that ours, with a bigger yard and a converted garage, as well as a lovely view from the front of a cattle pasture, might also attract a buyer quickly.

One thing I’m trying to figure out is the fact that we will basically be losing a 1/2 income. Although my boss offered me a decent starting salary, we will still be making less total, since as of right now W does not have a job lined up or any plans to work. One thing I thought I’d never consider, but that is now looking like a good idea from a financial standpoint, is to live with the in-laws for a bit. If we can pay off the medical bills we’ve accrued this last year, it will really help our financial stability. It will also give us time to save up a security deposit on a new rental. And maybe it will help W ease into the roll of ‘Mr.Mom’, since he will have his parents there to help. I know I will feel way more comfortable knowing they are around to help with the kids while I’m at work. We’ll be staying with them initially once we move, so it’s a ‘wait and see’ plan right now.

This has all been very bitter-sweet. I am happy to be moving closer to friends and family again. I am happy that I will have more help and people who are intimately aware of all that’s gone on. The thought of having others to help me keep an eye on W, and to share the day-to-day burdens, is really giving me hope. I’m also looking forward to not working from home. It sounds crazy, and it was a blessing for the last 5 1/2 years with all we’ve gone though, but my work was never done! It will be nice to leave it at the office.

Obviously I will miss being home with my little ones. They are a bit older now, so it doesn’t sting as badly. But I had these ideas of being able to volunteer with their classes, to be involved, to meet them when they came home, help with homework, ne with them during summer vacation, all that good stuff. I took that idea for granted, that it would always be this way. Who knew this summer would be my last to stay home with Garrett, at elast for now? It’s been such a messed up summer, I feel sad I couldn’t make it more enjoyable for him. There was way too much tv watching, and not enough creativity on my part. But I’m not going to beat myself up about it; there were legitimate reasons. I’m a little comforted by the fact that I will have one flex day where I can work from home, so I won’t totally miss out, but there’s still that loss. I thought as long as W and I agreed and sacrificed, we could make it work; me staying home with the kids. Who knew a situation like this would happen?  But again, I’m striving to be grateful for the job I’ve found, and that I can provide for my family while W is unable to.

I’m also slowly letting go of my little house. It sound so materialistic, but yes, I’m attached to it. It was the one I felt was just right; the right size, right kind of yard, everything we wanted. But as I sat in WJ’s room yesterday, looking at the broken door on his closet, I realized that I could not keep this house up on my own, which is what’s been happening. I’ve too much on my plate, and the house would not have been cared for like it needed to be. The fear of something breaking, as well, will be nice to not worry about, since we have no savings to repair anything.

It’s been almost a year to the day when we closed on this place. I cannot believe what has transpired since then. I remember sitting on the front porch with W, while he was still pretty manic, and asking him why he did not take joy in watching our kids run around the front yard having such a fun time. He was so wrapped up in his own personal hell that he couldn’t see the blessing we had. We were at a point in our lives we had dreamed about: a good paying job, 2 great kids, a home, pets….yet none of it mattered. He was still sick. Changes in finances, jobs, situations…none of that was going to ‘heal’ him. It was tough to realize that. I tried to envision us in this house as our kids grew, having them over once they started to have lives of their own…and I could never really picture it. Maybe this is why.

I’m trying to see this time here as a time of growth, and a ‘vacation’ of sorts. We were taken care of financially. We’ve had lovely weather. We missed out on a hurricane in the NE and a drought in the midwest. We had a piece of property where W, when at the height of his mania, had ample room to chop down as many shrubs and trees as he liked. Not to mention W finally received a correct diagnosis, and I believe he will continue to become like his ‘normal’ self in the next 6-12 months.

So that’s all for now..just praying that I can absorb all this upcoming change in the most calm way possible, and it will all fall into place. When we follow God’s path, though, it usually does. 🙂

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