I hate when I come to a point where I feel as though I need to make an important decision, and I just can’t make it. I felt that way last night.
Yesterday I spoke with W, as his mood continued to decline, especially after the paint incident (btw, the carpet cleaners worked an almost miracle! I can still see a slight stain, but they mostly got it out!). I asked if he wanted to go back to his hometown for awhile. He got upset and started shaking. Said he wants to stay with me and the kids; that is where he feels most comfortable. He doen’t think he can be away from us. Yet when he’s here, he either avoids us or yells at the kids or sits quietly and mopes. I believe the issue is more that he thinks I’m ‘sending him away’ for good, or that it will be a sign of defeat, or some such thing. I do wish though, for my peace of mind, that he would have been agreeable to it.
I was able to speak with his pdoc, as W was out when he called. I shared that I was concerned W might be heading toward a manic episode. Pdoc decided to up 2 meds for the next few days, the lithium and the zyprexa, both of which help with psychotic issues as well as mania and depression. We are to touch base again on Monday.
What has me concerned though is that W is starting to get a little hostile, in his own quiet way. He’s not suppose to watch tv after 9pm, but he put a movie in at 9:20, and acted defiant when I pointed it out. I asked him to watch it in our ‘game room’, not in the main living area, and he got mad and said he wouldn’t watch it after all. Then he shut himself into the game room and called someone (don’t know who) and talked for about an hour.
Frankly, I started to get a little scared. I started recalling his behavior the last time he crashed, and I wondered if that would happen again, or if he would go further this time. Would he try to do something with the kids? Should I pack up and take the kids and go somewhere for a few days? Not sure where, but somewhere away. I can work from anywhere, thankfully. I couldn’t decide. I didn’t want to make a dramatic exit, and risk having W truly crash. What if he just needs a few days for the meds to kick in? So I took an anti-anxiety pill, hid my purse (in case he went weird and took my car keys away) and slept on the couch so I could guard the front door. I put the pdoc’s number on speed dial on my cell, and place it next to me on the couch.
Reflecting more this morning, I think he is acting more like how he did after he came home from the hospital last summer, while he was still recovering from his last break. Perhaps that is a good sign; that he won’t actually have a break, that he’s experiencing a mild depressive mania but it is manageable? I did think it would be good, though, to pack a little travel bag for me and the kids, in the event I feel it necessary to leave in a hurry.
Today, I want to take the kids out for a nice day. Maybe go fishing or bowling. W will want to come, but will most likely be brooding and moody. He came with us last night to church, and WJ said quite loudly he didn’t want him to come along. C wouldn’t let W hold her all evening, either. When it was bedtime, they both refused to hug him goodnight. They see the changes. I pray it’s not because they see me withdrawing from him, but what can I do? His depression wears on me after awhile, as much as I try to keep things light. And it’s not like he’ll be coming because he wants to be a part of family time; he’s coming becasue he doesn’t want to be home alone. But maybe it will go well?