A Little Worried

W was very depressed tonight. Dr. called back and told him to start taking his anti-anxiety med during the day, 3x a day, and call him tomorrow.

W took one then took a nap (sleepiness is a side effect), then woke up severely depressed. I encouraged him to call a friend, which he did. He got off the phone and seemed a little better, but then mentioned he wanted to go for a walk (at 10:30 at night). He said this to me while adding ‘don’t think I’m getting manic, but…’

RED FLAG.

He said he had just taken a 2nd dose of the anti-anxiety med, so I asked him to give it some time to work, that we want to try and stay on his sleep schedule, and he was agreeable to that. As of right now (11pm) he’s sleeping.

I’m angry because I’m sure my discussion with him yesterday was a trigger. Something I said to him was out of anger, and even though I apologized, I know it set him on his downward spiral more sharply. I hate this. I feel like I can’t talk to him about anything too emotional, because THIS is what happens. He freaks out like he’s going to lose me, and now he might get manic, and if he starts saying freaky stuff again, he MIGHT lose me 😦

He said he misses ‘back home’; his friends and family. I do understand the loneliness, as I have it here too. But it hurts when he says ‘back home’. 😦 Home is not where we are, as much as I wish he felt that way. Home is where he feels safest, and supported the most, and I can’t do all that for him. He feels vulnerable here with me now, since I showed him a crack in my armor. And as much as I know that it’s ‘the bipolar talking’, and ultimately at some point SOMETHING (whether me or someone/something else) will trigger the depression and/or mania…I’d rather not be the trigger. I try so hard to keep things even-keel, then to slip up and have it all dashed…ugh. It’s like building that house of cards, then sneezing and knocking it down.

I just keep praying that doors will open as needed. I’ve been so busy with my job, ect. that I haven’t had time to apply to any new jobs. I think if I knew of good drs up at W’s hometown, I see if he’d want to go there and stay with friends for awhile. But right now that doesn’t seem like an option. He can’t fly by himself anyways.

I’m on high alert right now, continually asking him about his thoughts, how he’s feeling, ect. I think keeping him talking is important. Will update more tomorrow.

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2 comments on “A Little Worried

  1. Heather Rose says:

    Sweetie, this is not your fault anymore than it is his. I love you. I will call you later.

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