Ok, after my previous post, I did calm down. Had a bit of a talk with W. He told me he forgot all about going out the mornings the kids are in daycare. Said he forgot about me needing some alone time. I think it hurts him to know that I sometimes want to be by myself, and not have him around all the time. Like I love him less.
He became somewhat shaky after we talked, so I tried to reassure him that things were ok for the rest of the day by keeping things light. It’s hard, he seems so insecure and fragile. I can’t think about it too much, or I’d just cry all the time. Thinking about all that medicine in him doing who knows what to his body…or how he must struggle in his mind, with always fighting to turn his thoughts off. Or even now, wondering if he’ll ever find something he can feel good about doing, career-wise. We each struggle, in our own ways, and I wonder if we will ever fully be able to connect…
I went to a support group on Monday for family members of mentally ill people. It was my first time. I was nervous, but it turned out to be a very good experience. There were about 30 people there. Although the majority were there for their childrens’ issues, it still helped me so much to know I wasn’t as isolated as I had thought. It felt nice to be able to sit in a room and not worry about what people might think when you shared that you are close to someone who is bipolar. They only meet once a month, but I look forward to going again.
We met with psychologist Tuesday. He was very reassuring. When we asked him whether he felt W would be able to return to work at all, he was adamant that W would get to a place in his health where he could make the decision for himself, and not feel forced out becasue he couldn’t handle the job. We also talked about knowing when might be the right time for W to go to the hospital. The dr said that the only reason to go is if we felt W was a harm to himself or others, and that overall he says it’s best NOT to go otherwise, because it can do more harm then good. He did not seem to express that he felt W was going down that path, and that helped W a lot just to hear.
He also stressed the importance of a full nights sleep, staying on that sleep schedule, and starting the morning off with exercise and a proper amount of protein. W had an episode about 2 days prior that scared me…after some prodding, W shared that he felt like some characters in the tv were talking directly to him. He never experienced this before (as far as I know), and I wondered if it meant a crash was coming. We shared this with the dr., who felt that since this was an isolated event, that it most likely had to do with W staying up too late a few night prior to the incident. It really stressed to us the importance of getting to bed on time for W. Some meds were changed a bit, and so far things are going ok since the visit.
On Weds. we tried out a new counselor. We both were really happy with him. This is our 4th try since last August, and it would be nice to find someone who can help us navigate thourgh all the emotions we’re both struggling with since the bp diagnosis. He seemed very down to earth, yet full of good insight. We’ll go back again in 2 weeks, without the kids, and see how it goes.
So there’s a bit of my busy week with the family. Still not much more direction in terms of the future, but I’d like to give it until September and see how W is doing. He already seems worlds better to me then just a few weeks ago, when he was still working. For now, it’s just a time of recovery for him.